Have you ever felt disappointed because things did not turn out the way you wanted? Have you ever had your heart broken and questioned everything about your life because it seems like it’s going nowhere and you just don’t know where you’re heading next?
Like every other people, I had questioned my life’s purpose too. Writing and cooking has always been my passion and I have always been dreaming of traveling around the world. Year 2015, my mom has enrolled me in a culinary school that offers employment on a cruise ship after I finish the course. On my last day in school, I was very excited because finally, I am already close in reaching my dream.
Few months after, I was on the verge of fixing the documents I needed so that I would be able to start working on a cruise ship. However, without any plans, I got pregnant. I have already cut ties with my son’s father and I didn’t even know how to tell it to my family. Surely, they’ll get disappointed but more than getting disappointed, they’ll get hurt too. Nobody knows how it crushed my heart after realizing it. Nobody knows how many tears I’ve cried because I didn’t know what to do. Nobody knows how much I felt bad for my baby because I fear that I may not be a good mother to him. Nobody knows that behind my perky smiles and laughter, my heart is excruciatingly in pain. The kind of feeling that you can’t talk to anyone because you know that their eyes and mouth will only speak judgment and persecutions. The kind of feeling that you are all alone and you have no one to turn to. The kind of feeling that you think you can’t go on anymore and no one understands you because all they see is your mistake.
I was trying my best not to affect the child inside me. There might have been some gaffes that I have done, but I have never ever seen my son as a mistake. I had never seen him as a burden and it had never crossed my mind to abort him because I know that God gave him to me. God knows that my son is all I needed to be whole again. To heal my broken spirit. To be closer to Him again because I got lost and was so far away to Him. God knows what I need and when I needed it. It may be a surprise to me but not to God. Sometimes, things doesn’t go the way we planned because God has a better plan and God has a better purpose. Sometimes, we are so frustrated with God’s answer to our prayer but He sees the first and the last. God is too wise to be mistaken. He is too good to be unkind. He knows what you will be going through even before it happens to you. The struggles that are breaking our heart may blind us from the truth but He knows what’s best for us.
I am not perfect because I am still a work in progress. I have flaws and imperfections but I now understand that each and every trial that we are experiencing are God’s way of molding us.
I might have failed in the past, I got stumbled with my face first out of the dirt but I will always stand tall and I will carry on. In fact, I have now redefined failure. Failure is not being able to to face your responsibility because of your selfishness. Failure is being defeated by fears when unexpected things happen in your life. Failure is choosing your dreams over your child. Failure is not taking the risk in the unknown. Failure is thinking that abortion does not equate to murdering your own child. Failure is not being brave in facing your trials alone. Failure is shifting the blame to someone else when something bad happens to you. Failure is not standing up after you fall.
Things may not turn out the way I planned, but I have a little boy lying next to my chest who sees me as his world and looks at me like I am the perfect mother in the world. He has healed me in ways I never knew I needed healing. He is more than my dreams. And if I have that, I can never fail.