What if?

what if

Earlier, one of my colleague asked me. “Do you have regrets? Do you have What ifs?” and then I suddenly thought, what if I didn’t fall in love? I might have stayed focused in reaching for my dreams. Maybe, I have already reached my dreams in traveling the world. I would have been working on a cruise ship now together with my former classmates.

But what if all of those heartaches and pain didn’t happen to me? I would still be that little girl who’s afraid to stand up for herself. I would still be that little girl who would do the things that the people around me want me to do even though I don’t really like it.

What if I don’t have a child? What if I am still single and free? I would still be the person who’s lost and doesn’t know where I am heading to.

I did question everything. Why everything has to happen all at once, but then, I learned and understood that God won’t put me in a situation without a purpose. All those pain, trials and mistakes have to happen so that He can fulfill His plan for me.

I don’t have regrets. The only regret that I have is the pain that I have inflicted to my family when I didn’t turn out the way they expected me to be. The only regret that I will have in my life right now, is if I carry on reaching for my dreams alone and neglect the chance to watch my child learn and grow.

The only regret I’ll have is giving up just because of one painful past. The only regret that I’ll have is wasting so much of my time caring too much about the people’s perception and opinion about me.

If I have tasted the most delicious cake in the world and the people around me would ask me to stop eating it because it’s not delicious, I’d still eat it. I won’t care about what they say because I love what I’m doing.

They said, “The winner takes it all.” I believe it’s true. They take everything including disappointments and setbacks.

I know, it’s not that easy and I am still learning. I am getting there. I am learning each and every time I experience judgments.

Life is never easy. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. And I believe that’s how God designed it to be. He made it that way so that we’ll be able to appreciate the eternal happiness that awaits us when we leave this earth.

Love And Happiness

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I often wonder how people fall in love easily. I don’t know if I would feel better or I’ll get envy knowing that I don’t do the same.

I used to be in love. They said, love will make you happy. It will inspire you and it will make you want to wake up everyday because the reality is better than your dream. Love makes your face look happy and your eyes alive.

But I don’t know if it was the right kind of love that I felt. Cause I felt the opposite. I was crying, I was sad, I felt insecure and pressured. It was some kind of emotional pain that I held on for too long thinking that maybe, it was just a phase. Some people believe that love is being willing to go through hell with the person. But, is that really the right kind of love? If you are with the right person, will there be a chance for the two of you be in a hellish situation or a hellish kind of feeling?

I don’t think so. Being with the right person should make your loads feel lighter when you are with them. Being with the right person should make you feel a little bit better when you are weak. Both of you may experience some predicaments, but having them by your side makes you feel strong.

I don’t know. I don’t have the answer to the question as to why I don’t fall in love easily. Maybe I’m afraid, or maybe I lost hope.

All I know is that love will come to you at the right time. You don’t need to force it. You don’t need to pretend that you have it just to cover up the pain of the past because it will just get worse. Love and happiness is like intelligence. You don’t need to tell everyone that you have it because if you do, it will automatically show.

Advocacy

prolife

It all started when I was 4 years old. I am a Lola’s girl so as a child I always wanted to be with my grandmother. It was one cold evening when people were having a commotion. My grandmother checked to see what’s happening and right there we saw a fetus in the garbage.

I didn’t fully understand what happened but my grandmother told me what was it, and she told me, “Look, that’s a baby.” I was oblivious as to why it looks like that and why it’s in the garbage. I did not say a word but it did not leave my memory. I can still remember the exact same spot, I remember how it looked like and I can still remember how I felt. It left me wondering why it was there and where his/her parents are.

I am not trying to be a goody-goody kind of person. I do have a lot of flaws. I have made so many bad and irrational decisions in life but killing my own child even if it isn’t expected will never be in my element. Perhaps, that incident has led me to my advocacy. To know why these things are happening. It could be because they see them as an inconvenience rather than a blessing. Or they might have been raped. However, I don’t see the point of letting the child pay for what other people have sinned. I don’t see the point of letting an innocent suffer for it.

I know it’s never easy knowing that the people are going to judge you. It’s not easy to raise a child alone. We can have a lot of alibis. We are not yet ready, they will only be miserable or they are diagnosed with disability when they are still inside our womb so we would rather have them die early than suffer for the rest of their life.

I want to share a story about my favorite singer. His mother was advised by the doctor to have him aborted as early as possible because he will be born with disability and his mother refused. On his concert, before he sang, he told the audience about his story. He is a blind man, but you know what? he is the best singer in the world. He is Andrea Bocelli. What am I trying to say? Nobody knows what the future holds. We can never predict what’s going to happen, we can never judge someone because of their disability. Only God knows what our future holds. God has written our life story long before we were born. And these little innocent child, they were formed for a purpose. Nothing happens because of an accident even though they were conceived unexpectedly.

I have watched a documentary as to how some people perform an abortion and I can’t even imagine the pain of the little child inside the mother’s womb. They insert the suction inside and they forcibly suck the body of the baby. There was one ultrasound video where in the baby knows what is currently happening and he/she tries so hard to escape from the suction and his/her mouth turned wide open that looks like it’s screaming for help.

I know it’s never easy to face the responsibility but I do know very well that it’s a lot harder to live a life without a burden knowing that you have killed or abandoned a life that you are supposed to protect. We were once young and vulnerable and the reason as to why we were meant to grow up and become strong is because we were meant to protect the innocent children knowing that we were like them once.

No matter what we’ve been through, we might have been hurt as a child. We might have grown up without a parent or someone to protect us, can we break the chain? Can we do our best to love in-spite of the pain?

I know how hatred feels like. I know how hurt feels like.  And it’s up to me if I am going to use those experiences by doing the same thing to the people around me or if it’s going to make me become more compassionate to them.

The world is full of judgmental people anyway. Whatever reasons we have, can we not resort to killing the innocent? They need us to protect them and nurture them. They need our love and we need to focus on loving them more than focusing on the judgment of our society.

Perfectly Imperfect

Live-and-Learn

If you know me personally, you already know that I am a person who don’t normally open up to other people. I don’t often let my guard down.

Most people find me weird because they can barely read what’s running on my mind. I make weird decisions. I don’t want to settle with things and people just because it fits the society’s norm. Perhaps, people see me as someone who has been broken, and I can’t stop people from judging the cracks in my life. I am somehow thankful to God for He has beautifully made me whole again and it doesn’t matter if people can see it or not.

I am a very sensitive person, I’d like to think that with all those experiences, I have already grown a thick skin. But sometimes, I can’t keep myself from getting hurt. Words burn me when it comes from a loved one or a friend. It burns me when the few people I trust to get inside my circle turn out to be the people who would destroy me in the end.

I also overthink, I hate commotion even though I sometimes respond in a sassy way. I just don’t want to appear weak or someone who needs to be taken care of or someone who can’t stand up for herself. So I tend to end up masquerading how I truly feel. That is why my friends who know me so well often tease me that the game I know how to play the best is “Taguan ng Feelings” or hiding my feelings in English.

Earlier I asked God, what does He wants me to learn today? What is He teaching me?

And with all the overwhelming emotions that I have bottled up inside me, I found an answer and God’s message with my devotion today.

When God inhabits the imperfect and broken pieces in our lives, the healing hope of His power is often more visible to others. Yes, His repair work in our hearts often leaves the scars of cracks. But those lines from our learning are the etchings in our beings that should make His character more visible to others.

I am not perfect and will never be. My brokenness and scars will forever smudge in my life. But then I realized, life is too short and if Grim Reaper comes, am I prepared? Nobody can tell how long are we going to live or when are we going to die, therefore we have to live our lives as if it’s our last. Hence, death is something that we shouldn’t fear because that’s where we find the essence of life.

So today I pray that God would show His power as I share the treasure of His gospel in my broken, but beautiful life.

Sometimes a Part of You has to Die so that You Can Begin Again

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Maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Maybe you lost yourself that’s even worse when you have bad days that just won’t let up. Just hope that you will look in the mirror and remind yourself of what you are and what you are not.

You are not your mistakes.You are not damaged goods or money from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you. You are a product of the lessons that you’ve learned. You are wiser because you went through something terrible and you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking. I now believe that pain makes you stronger and now I believe that walking through a lot of rainstorms gets you clean.

Kita Kita Movie Review

Kita-Kita

Today, as I always do, I watched a movie alone. Other people might think it’s weird but I know my fellow introverts can relate to the joy of being alone rather than being with someone else. I am a person who would do whatever I want to do which often results to being insensitive with what others want that’s why I often want to go shopping, watching movie and traveling alone. It keeps me from having the need to be conscious with other people.

Earlier, I have witnessed a stupendous Filipino movie. It is far too different from the other movies I’ve seen. It opened the eyes of the viewer and changed everyone’s perspective about love.

Sometimes, I can’t blame someone for being superficial. They are like that because the media is a very powerful influence which normally tells people that in order for you to be loved, you have to look good, or, true love is only for two good-looking people. If you don’t look good, you need to be rich so that you can be loved.

This movie has got loads of positive feedbacks from the viewers. However, if it isn’t a movie show, in reality, when others see two people sweetly walking and the other person doesn’t look good, the first impression is, the person must be rich that’s why the girl liked him. I have witnessed a lot of people who love to make comments about the lives of other people even though they don’t really know the depth of their relationship. 

Truth is, you don’t get to see it entirely. Unless, they’ll sit down with you and tell you their story or it gets launched on a movie theatre. But they don’t owe you an explanation. 

I actually got mixed of emotion after watching the movie. I was happy and upset. Happy because it is too far away from what our society is telling us. It is too far away from the dogma and it somehow has broke them down. I was upset for the fact that some people are being hypocrite for loving this kind of movie but when they see people in the same situation in reality, they’ve got a lot of misjudgments about them. 

The movie has taught me that if you like the person because they are handsome or pretty, it isn’t love. If you like them because they’re famous, it isn’t love, if you like them because they are talented or intelligent, it isn’t love at all.

Love is an extraordinary and an unexplainable feeling for an ordinary person who makes your everyday life special. Love is when you are excited to wake up everyday because you are looking forward to spend the rest of your day with him/her. Love is seeing beauty beyond imperfections.

As my most favorite line goes, “When you fall for their personality, everything about them becomes beautiful.”

Choices- Why Does it Matter? 

1.) DOING WHAT IS WRONG IS EASY,  DOING WHAT IS RIGHT WILL ALWAYS BE DIFFICULT

A lot of people would rather choose to do the wrong things.  Why would we even care about doing what is right when everyone is doing what’s wrong? When someone wrongs you, holding a grudge and taking revenge at them is the easiest, forgiving them is the hardest. The reason why the world is full of malignity is because everyone is choosing to do what’s wrong. Everyone is following the crowd. No one dares to take a stand and choose the road less traveled because they are afraid of being alone. When someone is doing the wrong thing, they’re clearing their conscience with the thought of knowing someone or other people who is doing the same thing. But the question is, “Did it make their life easier? Did it make their conscience pure? Were they able to live a good life?” The result will always matter. I honestly think that it would be better to do the right things even if it’s hard and end up with a better result rather than doing the wrong things which is easy, but the resolution is temporary.

 

2.) TRUST IN HIM

When you’ve lost something or someone, better things are on the way. Trust God in everything. He wants you to let go of what you currently have because He prepares something better for you. Let go of what is making you sad or hurt because that’s not what He wants and you don’t deserve it. Often times, we question His purpose and we ask Him why. But sooner, we’ll get the picture of it. Let go of what is in your hand because so long as you are not letting it go, you won’t be able to receive His blessing. Let go of what isn’t helping your soul smile and grow. Once you got the courage to let go, you will realize that you really did not lose something. He always has something better for you and everything works according to His plan.

– For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

3.) LOOK AT THE POSITIVE SIDE

Someone once told me when I was in deep pain that there is something good about pain, it defines strength. I believe it’s true. You’ll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only option you’ve got. Experience is the best teacher in life. It teaches you the things that you are refusing to learn. You’ll keep on experiencing it over and over again until you get to learn the things that you have to learn.

4.) HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE

The people who still can smile and laugh amidst the predicaments they’re facing are not hypocrite. They just chose to be happy and trust God with the result. Often times in prayer, people tell Him their burdens and afterwards they choose to worry about it. When you cast all your burdens upon Him, He will give you rest. Worrying is a sign of not having enough faith and trust that whatever you are facing will end up with a good result. The end will always justify the mean. You may not see it clearly yet but if you trust God with the result, worrying won’t be in your element.

5.) YOU WILL GROW OLD

When you are already old, you will spend your whole life looking back and reminiscing. And when you look back, whatever you are doing now will either be something that will make you smile or regret for the rest of your life. Did you live in selfishness or in generosity? Did you live in truth or lie? Were you the reason for someone’s happiness or distress? Did you abandon or help someone? Are you the reason for someone to live or the reason why someone died? Did you save a dying person or did you kill someone? Your choices matter and everything else matters. Maybe not today but you can never escape. Everything becomes wear and tear. After all, the moment that you die and leave this earth, you can never bring your wealth, your friends and family can’t accompany you anymore. You have nothing else with you but your soul alone.