Numb

numb

People say I’m numb,

But what have made me numb?

It was when my heart keeps on hurting,

And the wound keeps on bleeding.

 

It was when people treat me like a dumb,

And I felt like life’s not worth a damn.

It was when the pain was excruciating,

And I can’t keep myself from crying.

 

And so today,

When someone tries to hurt me in anyway,

My heart has already been broken anyway,

It doesn’t matter what they say.

 

When it gets excruciatingly painful,

And everything seems so shameful.

That’s when the heart gets numb.

But it’s never dumb.

 

Who I Used To Be

I used to question God’s love and presence in my life. I used to believe that if you are kind, people will abuse you. I used to carry heartache, pain and hatred in my heart. I used to believe that vengeance will be able to make me feel better. But the truth is, it will destroy me more. It will add an insult to my injury and will fuel the fire.
I was lost and weary but God has found me and He loved me in my most unlovable state. He made me realize that I am not a label, I am not my job, I am not my status. I am pure creative energy. I am a miracle. I am enough. The state of joy, bliss and happiness is our true state, our natural state. Hate, pain and suffering are caused by our own thinking and by the society’s norm as to what a person should be or what a perfect life looks like.

“Why me?”
A victim will use this line of thinking to justify their beliefs in thinking that the world is against them. The world is against nobody. It is you against you. I believe I experienced some challenges in life because I needed to. That in fact, the things I once considered to be the worst things that have ever happened to me are now actually my biggest gifts. These lessons are what have shaped me today. It is because of these events that I can listen to people and say I understand you, I feel you, I know because I actually do.

“When will the pain end?”

The pain will only end when you decide to change your thinking. Its a choice we all have. You are telling the story of your life, you have the power to tell a different one. You choose everyday how you interpret other’s actions, how you interpret events and how you interpret the world around you. God has written your story even before you were born. No one can dictate who you should be because He knows you better than anyone else.

If there is someone right now sitting there with pain in their heart, with suffering in their mind and doesn’t know when it will end. I’m here to tell you, pain doesn’t last forever. No matter how bad it gets or it has been, it can change around. Right here, right now.

Do you know how I know? because I was you.

The Cure for the Pain is in the Pain

Hello, it’s been a while. Today, I want to write about the cure for our pain. 

In order for our wound to be healed, we need to undergo the pain of the being pricked. We need to bear with the stinging pain of the ointments but we normally refuse. It’s because we know it will hurt us more. Even though we know that it is the only remedy for our pain.

Emotionally, we often love our wound more than thinking of loving ourselves. And don’t you think it’s funny how we find ourselves loving the person who hurt us more than we love ourselves? So, we end up bearing all the pain that we feel because of them, and we end up staying stuck in a situation that is so painful just because we don’t want to let them go.

However, as days go by, we get used to the pain that it already makes us numb. We thought it’s normal because we got used to it. So, we just let things be the way they are although we know that there’s something wrong. 

The truth is, we won’t realize how poorly someone is treating us until we meet someone who treats us the way we should be treated. That’s when we realize that we shouldn’t allow people to treat us poorly just because we love them. 

We tend to hold on to the pain just because we already got used to it. Taking the bitter pill or that stinging needle of injection for us to be cured may hurt a little more, b

ut would you rather choose a lifetime kind of pain or the temporary kind of pain? Would you rather suffer for the rest of your life or take the risk of feeling the unfamiliar kind of pain that leads you to your healing?

When You’re In Pain

As cliche’ as it sounds, pain is inevitable and it is always a part of life. There are different reasons why we feel the pain. The truth is, no one is exempted to feel it. Regardless if you are a good person or you haven’t hurt someone else means you won’t get hurt too. 

The question is, “Which kind of pain are you choosing?” Is it the pain of holding on or letting go? The pain of dwelling in the past or moving on? Is it the pain that gets you stuck in your old self or the pain that makes you grow and become a better version of yourself? Are you using the pain to make yourself bitter or are you taking it as a challenge to make yourself better?

I know it’s never easy. Especially if it the wound is fresh and you feel like you don’t want to get up from bed because the pain is excruciating and you have no one to tell it to. You are emotionally gashed and you just can’t focus on everything. But even if you feel that no one cares, the truth is, God cares. He knows what you are going through and He is always ready to listen to your frustrations and heartaches. We just often put God in a box and we try to tell Him how to do it but God uses an orthodox method. It doesn’t always makes sense to us but in the end, the result is always beautiful. God always answers prayer not just in a way that you expect it to be.

Are you open to the method that God is going to do to heal you? 

Pain is always a part of life but if God is with us, nothing can destroy us. God can turn every pain, every trial and every persecutions in your life into something beautiful that you can nev

er imagine just trust Him and let Him do it His way.

When Things Didn’t Go The Way You Planned

Have you ever felt disappointed because things did not turn out the way you wanted? Have you ever had your heart broken and questioned everything about your life because it seems like it’s going nowhere and you just don’t know where you’re heading next? 

Like every other people, I had questioned my life’s purpose too. Writing and cooking has always been my passion and I have always been dreaming of traveling around the world. Year 2015, my mom has enrolled me in a culinary school that offers employment on a cruise ship after I finish the course. On my last day in school, I was very excited because finally, I am already close in reaching my dream.

Few months after, I was on the verge of fixing the documents I needed so that I would be able to start working on a cruise ship. However, without any plans, I got pregnant. I have already cut ties with my son’s father and I didn’t even know how to tell it to my family. Surely, they’ll get disappointed but more than getting disappointed, they’ll get hurt too. Nobody knows how it crushed my heart after realizing it. Nobody knows how many tears I’ve cried because I didn’t know what to do. Nobody knows how much I felt bad for my baby because I fear that I may not be a good mother to him. Nobody knows that behind my perky smiles and laughter, my heart is excruciatingly in pain. The kind of feeling that you can’t talk to anyone because you know that their eyes and mouth will only speak judgment and persecutions. The kind of feeling that you are all alone and you have no one to turn to. The kind of feeling that you think you can’t go on anymore and no one understands you because all they see is your mistake.

I was trying my best not to affect the child inside me. There might have been some gaffes that I have done, but I have never ever seen my son as a mistake. I had never seen him as a burden and it had never crossed my mind to abort him because I know that God gave him to me. God knows that my son is all I needed to be whole again. To heal my broken spirit. To be closer to Him again because I got lost and was so far away to Him. God knows what I need and when I needed it. It may be a surprise to me but not to God. Sometimes, things doesn’t go the way we planned because God has a better plan and God has a better purpose. Sometimes, we are so frustrated with God’s answer to our prayer but He sees the first and the last. God is too wise to be mistaken. He is too good to be unkind. He knows what you will be going through even before it happens to you. The struggles that are breaking our heart may blind us from the truth but He knows what’s best for us. 

I am not perfect because I am still a work in progress. I have flaws and imperfections but I now understand that each and every trial that we are experiencing are God’s way of molding us.

I might have failed in the past, I got stumbled with my face first out of the dirt but I will always stand tall and I will carry on. In fact, I have now redefined failure. Failure is not being able to to face your responsibility because of your selfishness. Failure is being defeated by fears when unexpected things happen in your life. Failure is choosing your dreams over your child. Failure is not taking the risk in the unknown. Failure is thinking that abortion does not equate to murdering your own child. Failure is not being brave in facing your trials alone. Failure is shifting the blame to someone else when something bad happens to you. Failure is not standing up after you fall. 

Things may not turn out the way I planned, but I have a little boy lying next to my chest who sees me as his world and looks at me like I am the perfect mother in the world. He has healed me in ways I never knew I needed healing. He is more than my dreams. And if I have that, I can never fail.