Numb

numb

People say I’m numb,

But what have made me numb?

It was when my heart keeps on hurting,

And the wound keeps on bleeding.

 

It was when people treat me like a dumb,

And I felt like life’s not worth a damn.

It was when the pain was excruciating,

And I can’t keep myself from crying.

 

And so today,

When someone tries to hurt me in anyway,

My heart has already been broken anyway,

It doesn’t matter what they say.

 

When it gets excruciatingly painful,

And everything seems so shameful.

That’s when the heart gets numb.

But it’s never dumb.

 

God’s Greatness

great

Though I couldn’t fathom,

In His heart I have a home.

He is always with me,

Wherever I will be.

 

Although my heart is flimsy,

His love for me is sturdy.

Trials and pain that happened to me,

Are all part of His plan for me.

 

 

His love is so great,

That I always ruminate.

For when I turn my back on Him,

His love for me has never dimmed.

 

Though I am not worthy,

On the cross He died for me.

How great is Your love,

How great is Your mercy.

 

You loved me in my darkest,

And even in my weakest.

You loved me when I questioned Your competence,

And even Your existence.

 

How great is Your love,

How great are You God.

You are always faithful,

Even when I’m doubtful.

 

Thank You for forgiveness,

Thank You for Your kindness.

Thank You for Your faithfulness,

And for Your saving grace.

 

 

 

 

 

If You Have One More Day

one more day

If you have one more day to live,

I will have more time to give.

If you have one more day to smile,

I will make everything worth while.

 

If you have one more day on earth,

I’ll make sure that you’re always heard.

If you have one more day to breathe,

I will always show a love that’s great.

 

If you have one more day to wish,

I will grant them all with a kiss.

If you have one more day to prick up ears,

I will tell you how much I want you here.

 

 

If you have one more day to live,

I will show all the love that I can give.

These are the things that I should say…

If you have one more day.

 

 

 

What if?

what if

Earlier, one of my colleague asked me. “Do you have regrets? Do you have What ifs?” and then I suddenly thought, what if I didn’t fall in love? I might have stayed focused in reaching for my dreams. Maybe, I have already reached my dreams in traveling the world. I would have been working on a cruise ship now together with my former classmates.

But what if all of those heartaches and pain didn’t happen to me? I would still be that little girl who’s afraid to stand up for herself. I would still be that little girl who would do the things that the people around me want me to do even though I don’t really like it.

What if I don’t have a child? What if I am still single and free? I would still be the person who’s lost and doesn’t know where I am heading to.

I did question everything. Why everything has to happen all at once, but then, I learned and understood that God won’t put me in a situation without a purpose. All those pain, trials and mistakes have to happen so that He can fulfill His plan for me.

I don’t have regrets. The only regret that I have is the pain that I have inflicted to my family when I didn’t turn out the way they expected me to be. The only regret that I will have in my life right now, is if I carry on reaching for my dreams alone and neglect the chance to watch my child learn and grow.

The only regret I’ll have is giving up just because of one painful past. The only regret that I’ll have is wasting so much of my time caring too much about the people’s perception and opinion about me.

If I have tasted the most delicious cake in the world and the people around me would ask me to stop eating it because it’s not delicious, I’d still eat it. I won’t care about what they say because I love what I’m doing.

They said, “The winner takes it all.” I believe it’s true. They take everything including disappointments and setbacks.

I know, it’s not that easy and I am still learning. I am getting there. I am learning each and every time I experience judgments.

Life is never easy. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. And I believe that’s how God designed it to be. He made it that way so that we’ll be able to appreciate the eternal happiness that awaits us when we leave this earth.

Love And Happiness

love and happiness.jpg

I often wonder how people fall in love easily. I don’t know if I would feel better or I’ll get envy knowing that I don’t do the same.

I used to be in love. They said, love will make you happy. It will inspire you and it will make you want to wake up everyday because the reality is better than your dream. Love makes your face look happy and your eyes alive.

But I don’t know if it was the right kind of love that I felt. Cause I felt the opposite. I was crying, I was sad, I felt insecure and pressured. It was some kind of emotional pain that I held on for too long thinking that maybe, it was just a phase. Some people believe that love is being willing to go through hell with the person. But, is that really the right kind of love? If you are with the right person, will there be a chance for the two of you be in a hellish situation or a hellish kind of feeling?

I don’t think so. Being with the right person should make your loads feel lighter when you are with them. Being with the right person should make you feel a little bit better when you are weak. Both of you may experience some predicaments, but having them by your side makes you feel strong.

I don’t know. I don’t have the answer to the question as to why I don’t fall in love easily. Maybe I’m afraid, or maybe I lost hope.

All I know is that love will come to you at the right time. You don’t need to force it. You don’t need to pretend that you have it just to cover up the pain of the past because it will just get worse. Love and happiness is like intelligence. You don’t need to tell everyone that you have it because if you do, it will automatically show.

Advocacy

prolife

It all started when I was 4 years old. I am a Lola’s girl so as a child I always wanted to be with my grandmother. It was one cold evening when people were having a commotion. My grandmother checked to see what’s happening and right there we saw a fetus in the garbage.

I didn’t fully understand what happened but my grandmother told me what was it, and she told me, “Look, that’s a baby.” I was oblivious as to why it looks like that and why it’s in the garbage. I did not say a word but it did not leave my memory. I can still remember the exact same spot, I remember how it looked like and I can still remember how I felt. It left me wondering why it was there and where his/her parents are.

I am not trying to be a goody-goody kind of person. I do have a lot of flaws. I have made so many bad and irrational decisions in life but killing my own child even if it isn’t expected will never be in my element. Perhaps, that incident has led me to my advocacy. To know why these things are happening. It could be because they see them as an inconvenience rather than a blessing. Or they might have been raped. However, I don’t see the point of letting the child pay for what other people have sinned. I don’t see the point of letting an innocent suffer for it.

I know it’s never easy knowing that the people are going to judge you. It’s not easy to raise a child alone. We can have a lot of alibis. We are not yet ready, they will only be miserable or they are diagnosed with disability when they are still inside our womb so we would rather have them die early than suffer for the rest of their life.

I want to share a story about my favorite singer. His mother was advised by the doctor to have him aborted as early as possible because he will be born with disability and his mother refused. On his concert, before he sang, he told the audience about his story. He is a blind man, but you know what? he is the best singer in the world. He is Andrea Bocelli. What am I trying to say? Nobody knows what the future holds. We can never predict what’s going to happen, we can never judge someone because of their disability. Only God knows what our future holds. God has written our life story long before we were born. And these little innocent child, they were formed for a purpose. Nothing happens because of an accident even though they were conceived unexpectedly.

I have watched a documentary as to how some people perform an abortion and I can’t even imagine the pain of the little child inside the mother’s womb. They insert the suction inside and they forcibly suck the body of the baby. There was one ultrasound video where in the baby knows what is currently happening and he/she tries so hard to escape from the suction and his/her mouth turned wide open that looks like it’s screaming for help.

I know it’s never easy to face the responsibility but I do know very well that it’s a lot harder to live a life without a burden knowing that you have killed or abandoned a life that you are supposed to protect. We were once young and vulnerable and the reason as to why we were meant to grow up and become strong is because we were meant to protect the innocent children knowing that we were like them once.

No matter what we’ve been through, we might have been hurt as a child. We might have grown up without a parent or someone to protect us, can we break the chain? Can we do our best to love in-spite of the pain?

I know how hatred feels like. I know how hurt feels like.  And it’s up to me if I am going to use those experiences by doing the same thing to the people around me or if it’s going to make me become more compassionate to them.

The world is full of judgmental people anyway. Whatever reasons we have, can we not resort to killing the innocent? They need us to protect them and nurture them. They need our love and we need to focus on loving them more than focusing on the judgment of our society.

Perfectly Imperfect

Live-and-Learn

If you know me personally, you already know that I am a person who don’t normally open up to other people. I don’t often let my guard down.

Most people find me weird because they can barely read what’s running on my mind. I make weird decisions. I don’t want to settle with things and people just because it fits the society’s norm. Perhaps, people see me as someone who has been broken, and I can’t stop people from judging the cracks in my life. I am somehow thankful to God for He has beautifully made me whole again and it doesn’t matter if people can see it or not.

I am a very sensitive person, I’d like to think that with all those experiences, I have already grown a thick skin. But sometimes, I can’t keep myself from getting hurt. Words burn me when it comes from a loved one or a friend. It burns me when the few people I trust to get inside my circle turn out to be the people who would destroy me in the end.

I also overthink, I hate commotion even though I sometimes respond in a sassy way. I just don’t want to appear weak or someone who needs to be taken care of or someone who can’t stand up for herself. So I tend to end up masquerading how I truly feel. That is why my friends who know me so well often tease me that the game I know how to play the best is “Taguan ng Feelings” or hiding my feelings in English.

Earlier I asked God, what does He wants me to learn today? What is He teaching me?

And with all the overwhelming emotions that I have bottled up inside me, I found an answer and God’s message with my devotion today.

When God inhabits the imperfect and broken pieces in our lives, the healing hope of His power is often more visible to others. Yes, His repair work in our hearts often leaves the scars of cracks. But those lines from our learning are the etchings in our beings that should make His character more visible to others.

I am not perfect and will never be. My brokenness and scars will forever smudge in my life. But then I realized, life is too short and if Grim Reaper comes, am I prepared? Nobody can tell how long are we going to live or when are we going to die, therefore we have to live our lives as if it’s our last. Hence, death is something that we shouldn’t fear because that’s where we find the essence of life.

So today I pray that God would show His power as I share the treasure of His gospel in my broken, but beautiful life.